A Tribute to My Parents

My parents recently moved from Redding, CA to Lewistown, MT. They moved there so that my dad could pastor a small church that was on the verge of having to essentially close its doors. This is not the first time my parents have done something like this, leaving comfort and everything they know to go to a place simply because they feel the Lord is calling them there. The picture above is of Jordana and I on a trip to the coast with my parents the weekend before they left. We loved having them live close to us, they were actually just right down the street from us. We used to walk there all the time for dinner, to do laundry, and to watch Lost. While we were excited for them to move on to this new opportunity, it was a lot harder for us than we expected when they left. And, we seemed to re-learn the age-old life lesson that you don't realize until it's too late how valuable some people and things are in your life. In that light, I felt it fitting to honor my parents with a little tribute, as they are two of the most important people in my life and really pretty incredible. They're the type of people I want to share about with the world and proudly declare, "these are my parents!"

The way my parents met is actually pretty amazing. See, my dad grew up between Maryland and Illinois and since he was a little kid, he loved everything that had to do with being a mountain man, his favorite movie has always been Jeremiah Johnson. He even used to run trap lines when he was a kid and sell furs for extra money. Another one of my favorite things about my dad's past is that he played football in high school for a team called the Freeport Pretzels, they had big pretzels on the side of their helmets. He was also a real prankster when he was a kid, another of my favorite stories was this time that my dad tied fishing line to a bunch of clothes in his sister's closet and started moving them around at night so she thought someone or something was in her closet. Kinda mean, I admit, but super funny nonetheless. Anyway, after high school my dad joined the Marine Corps and he's got some pretty crazy stories from that time in his life as well. I know quite a bit about my dad's past, but sometimes I wish I knew more. I understand some of it is real hard for him to talk about because it was before he had a relationship with Jesus and there's some stuff he's not proud of, but sometimes I can't shake the feeling that there's more stuff I'd like to know about him. After the Marines, my dad moved to Montana to go to school to become a teacher and live out his dreams to be a mountain man. Anyone who's ever met my dad could tell you that his heart is in Montana. If there's a place on earth where he belongs, it's there, but it's also clear that he knows his true home does not lie on this earth. Montana is also where my parents met.

My mom grew up on a farm in Iowa, she's one of five kids. She grew up in the same house that her mom was born and raised in, which I think is really neat because it's not something you hear everyday. Anyway, she was super involved in things like 4-H growing up and spent all her early mornings doing chores on the farm. I'd really like to know more stories about my mom's childhood, because I really only know a few. One of my favorites is of this one time that my mom was working in the corn crib (that's farm talk for a place where you store corn) and all these rats fell down on her head, which is actually quite terrifying if you think about it. Anyway, one time later on in her life my mom was asked about a traumatic experience in her life and that was all she could think of and people were kinda concerned she might need counseling. We still laugh about that sometimes. My mom was also elected this special honor one year, I think it was called Dairy Queen or something like that, not to be mistaken with the restaurant. Anyway, it's sort of like the homecoming queen or rodeo queen, and it was a really big deal where she grew up. I just found out about this a few years ago. I mean, I always thought my mom was pretty and would have been popular in high school, but just the idea that she won such a big award and recognition like that is so awesome. It made me proud of her when I heard the story. My mom went to college in Iowa, also planning to become a teacher. She did a year of her student teaching in Quito, Ecuador, which is just so neat. I wish I knew more stories from that year (if you're reading this mom, you can tell me more stories soon).

So, back to how my parents met, it's really pretty crazy. My dad was dating this girl from Iowa who just happened to be really good friends with my mom. My dad and this girl planned this big skiing trip in Montana and the girl invited my mom to come along. On this ski trip, my parents met and really hit it off. Like I've already said, my dad was a big-time mountain man, really loved the outdoors, and my mom was pretty much the same. But this girl my dad was dating, she was a big-time city girl. So anyway, after this ski trip my dad's girlfriend got together with my mom and told her that she thought my parents should get together since they were both outdoor people and she was a city person. So, that's how my parents met and got together. Pretty terrific really.

After they got married, my mom taught for a while and my dad worked a lot of different jobs, from ranch-hand to logging. I was born just a little before their 2nd anniversary. I remember going to work with my dad sometimes as a kid when he was logging, those were some of my favorite days. I'd get to ride in the Caterpillar with him and listen to guys yell "timber!" all day. I also went to school with my mom sometimes, maybe that's why I've always loved school and want to be a teacher, because I was around it all the time when I was little. When I was 6 and my brother was 3, we moved overseas where my parents both taught at a school for Missionary kids. That's when my dad decided to start going to seminary and become a pastor. My parents lives have always been characterized not by a concern for financial stability, wealth, or material possessions, but by a constant interest and desire to follow the call of God on their lives.

Jordana and I have been talking a lot about my parents lately. My mom is one of the most loving people I know. She is the best example of selfless and sacrificial love I've ever seen. She truly loves without expecting anything in return, it's a blessing and it's convicting. My dad is a man after God's own heart. His drive and motivating passion is truly and undeniably a love of people. He is a leader, a motivator, and the type of man that I would hope to become. Together, my parents make up a couple that was clearly brought together by divine providence and is being powerfully used by the Lord to change the hearts and lives of many people. I love my parents, I am proud of them, and they are an absolute inspiration to my wife and I and to many others. Here's to you mom and dad.

Fists of Steel pt.2

I read a great book this weekend by Donald Miller called "Searching for God Knows What". It was really great, it's been on my list for a while. My wife read it last Christmas and said that it really changed her perspective in a lot of ways and has been telling me I need to read it ever since. So, I started it last week and got the chance to finish it while we were camping this weekend. I feel like the Lord has been tugging at my heart lately, trying to teach me about love. I guess that was sort of my intent behind my last post, the great neeed I've been feeling just to love people, to honor them, to value them as human beings. Anyway, one of the chapters in Donald Miller's book talked about morality, and as I read it, I felt like he was expressing in better ways than I was able many of the sentiments I've been feeling lately and a lot of what I was trying to say in my last post. So, I wanted to include an excerpt from the book because it's just too good not to share.

"I was a guest on a radio show recently that was broadcast on a secular station, one of those conservative shows that paints Democrats as terrorists. The interviewer asked what I thought about the homosexuals who were trying to take over the country. I confess I was taken aback. I hadn't realized that homosexuals were trying to take over the country. 'Which homosexuals are trying to take over the country?' I asked. 'You know, ' the interviewer began, 'the ones who want to take over Congress and the Senate.' I paused for a while. 'Well,' I said, 'I've never met those guys and I don't know who they are. The only homosexuals I've met are very kind people, some of whom have been beat up and spit on and harassed and, in fact, feel threatened by the religious right.' Think about it. If you watch CNN all day annd see extreme Muslims in the Middle East declaring war on America because they see us as immoral, and then you read the paper the next day to find the exact same words spoken by evangelical leaders against the culture here in America, you'd be pretty scared. I've never heard of a homosexual group trying to take over the world, or for that matter the House or the Senate, but I can point you to about fifty evangelical organizations who are trying to do exactly that. I don't know why. In my opinion, we should tell people about Jesus, not try to build some kind of temporary moral civilization here on earth. If you want that, move to Salt Lake City. 'And what is the name of this homosexual group that is trying to take over America?' I asked the host, somewhat angry at his ignorant misuse of war rhetoric. 'Well, I hear about them all the time,' he said, rather frustrated with me. 'If you hear about them all the time, what is the name of the organization?' 'Well, I don't know right now. But they are there.' 'Can I list for you ten or so christian organizations who are working to get more Christians in the House and the Senate?' I said to the host. 'Listen, I get your point,' he said. 'But I don't think you do. Here is my position: As a Christian, I believe Jesus wants to reach out to people who are lost and, yes, immoral--immoral just like you and I are immoral; and declaring war against them and stirring up your listeners to the point of anger and giving them the feeling that their country, their families, and their lifestyles are being threatened is only hurting what Jesus is trying to do. This isn't rocket science. If you declare war on somebody, you have to either handcuff them or kill them. That's the only way to win. But if you want them to be forgiven by Christ, if you want them to live eternally in heaven with Jesus, then you have to love them. The choice is yours and my suspicion is you will be held responsible by God, a Judge who will know your motives. So go ahead and declare war in the name of a conservative agenda, but don't do it in the name of God. That's what militant Muslims are doing in the Middle East, and we don't want that here.' Amazingly, the host kept me on and allowed me to tell as tory or two about interacting with supposed pagans in a compassionate exchange, and later even admitted that his idea that homosexuals were trying to take over the country had originated from an e-mail he had received, an e-mail he had long since thrown away but he thought perhaps had come from some kind of sexual organization. To be honest, I think most christians, and this guy was defnitely a Christian, want to love people and obey God but feel they have to wage a culture war. But this isn't the case at all. Remember, we are not elbowing for power in the lifeboat. God's kingdom isn't here on earth. And I believe you will find Jesus in the hearts of even the most miltant Christians, moving them to love people, and it is only their egos, and the voice of Satan, that cause them to demean the lost. What we must do in these instances is listen to our consciences, and allow Scripture to instruct us about morality and methodology, not just morality. Paul was deceived when he persecuted Christians, thinking he was doing it to serve God, but God went to him, blinded him, and corrected his thinking. After this, Paul loved the people he had previously hated; he began to take the message of forgiveness to Jews and to Gentiles, to male and to female, to pagans and prostitutes. At no point does he waste his time in lobbying government for a moral agenda. Nobody in Scripture who knew and followed Jesus wasted their time with any of this; they built the church, they loved people. Once Paul switched positions, many people tried to kill him for talking about Jesus, but he never lifted a fist; he never declared war. In fact, in Athens, he was so appreciated by pagans who worshipped false idols, they invited him to speak about Jesus in an open forum. In America, this no longer happens. We are in the margins of society and so we have to have our own radio stations and television stations and bookstores. Our fomulaic, propositional, lifeboat-territorial methodology has crippled the kingdom of God. We can learn a great deal from the apostles. Paul would go so far as to compliment the men of Athens, calling them "spiritual men" and quoting their poetry, then telling them the God he knew was better for them, larger, stronger and more alive than any of the stone idols they bowed down to. And many of the people in the audience followed Him and had more and more questions. This would not have happened if Paul had labeled them as pagans and attacked them. A moral message, a message of us versus them, overflowing in war rhetoric, never hindered the early message of grace, of repentace toward dead works and immorality in exchange for a love relationship with Christ. War rhetoric against people is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers. In fact, even today, moralists who use war rhetoric will speak of right and wrong, and even some vague and angry god, but never Jesus. Listen closely, and I assure you, they will not talk about Jesus. In my opinion, if you hate somebody because they are different from you, you'd best get on your knees and repent until you can say you love them, until you have gotten your soul right with Christ. I can't say this clearly enough: If we are preaching morality without Christ, and using war rhetoric to communicate a battle mentality, we are fighting on Satan's side. This battle we are in is a battle against the principalities of darkness, not against people who are different from us. In war you shoot the enemy, not the hostage."

I think that last part is what gets me the most, because I feel like we've been shooting the hostage. It's almost as if because we can't see our real enemy, we have demonized what we can see so that we have a more tangible battle in which we can gauge whether or not we are winning. But this is a grievous error, because we are fighting the hostage, not the enemy. My prayer is that we can learn to love people, truly love people, to the point where we can echo the sentiments of Paul in expressing a willingness to suffer and even endure eternal torment ourselves just to see someone else experience salvation. That is true love. It is the true love exhibited to us by our Savior and it is the same love to which we are called. God help us, help me, to love this much.

Fists of steel

I had a conversation with some friends the other night that stirred some serious emotions in me, brought me to the point of anger, took me down a notch to self-reflection, and left me with a lot of questions. We started out talking about this letter that I got from James Dobson. The letter was a disheartening attempt to scare me into voting against legislation that would require as part of public school curricculum recognition of the historical accomplishments of homosexuals. As I read the letter, processing statements such as "California's legislature is entirely controlled by radical homosexual liberals" and "this is part of an agenda to infiltrate and brainwash the minds of our children, much like the Hitler youth campaigns", I found myself not hating homosexuals like Dr. Dobson apparently intended, not seeing them as the "terrorists" and "infiltrators of our children's minds". Rather, I found myself thinking that it was Dobson who was the terrorist, it was Dobson who in his total insecurity and ignorance felt the need to use brainwashing phrases in a letter such as this to scare people into seeing things his way. I found myself grieving that these statements were being associated with the name of Jesus Christ, and I found myself losing any desire to ever be associated with a group of people that included individuals that wrote letters such as this.

But then, naturally, I had friends who challenged my perceptions. I had friends who reminded me that this is a free country and that citizens such as Dr. Dobson have the right to free speech, and have the right to speak out about what they believe. "But not in the name of my savior" I replied, how dare he give such a bad impression of christianity. But then I was gently reminded by my fellow conversants that I cannot change anyone except myself, no matter how unjust I believe someone's behavior to be. I adhere to my opinion that sending out letters such as this is something to be ashamed of and really doesn't accomplish anything, but getting all worked up about it won't accomplish anything. I have to fight it with love displayed in my own life.

Which brings me to my next question. All the time, including during the conversation a few nights ago, I hear people say that someone has to fight these battles, someone has to stand up for what they believe in. But are we really accomplishing anything by supporting or opposing legislation that affects things like gay marriage or diversity education? Let's say that we choose to fight this battle and we win, where will be? Sure, maybe we've protected our sacred idea of marriage and kept our kids from being "brainwashed" (or have we?), but what will we have really accomplished? We'll end up with a county that supports laws that reflect our moral standards, so maybe our country will "look real nice", but have we actually made any changes at all to the "real problems"? But oh, some may say, if we don't fight this battle, our country will continue in a downward spiral until morality no longer exists. I cannot refute that, and I'm not arguing that perhaps a battle needs to be fought, I merely question the way we fight it.

So, we've successfully passed on the legislation that we feel is important to mandate morality in this country and our fears of the "slippery slope" are relieved. But where are we really? Have people's hearts changed? No, and this is where the real problem lies. Change, as we have all experienced, cannot happen from the outside. When change is forced, it is unwelcome and ineffective. Is it better to fight from the top down and mandate morality? Or is it better to live in loving relationship with people, sharing the love of Christ, and bringing us all to the place where we want to live morally and cooperatively with one another because we have been transformed and believe in the ability of human beings to live in spiritual and physical harmony? I believe this is what Jesus, my savior, was all about. Name one time that Jesus spent his energy telling his disciples how evil homosexuals were, how they were something to be feared because they were on a campaign to brainwash children and destroy the fabric of society. The only people to whom Jesus was ever truly abrasive or disrespectful were the religious leaders of the time, because they were the ones practicing manipulation and leading people astray. It was the pharisees whom Jesus called a "brood of vipers", not homosexuals or drug-addicts or sex-addicts. Jesus lived in loving relationships with the hurting and the broken of our world. He showed love to those who did not purport to have it all figured out, those who entertained questions and felt okay with ambiguity. This is what I want to be. I want to be one who is okay with admitting that he doesn't always know what's right or wrong beyond knowing without a doubt that Jesus loves him and sacrificed His life for him. I want to be one who does not react to the world out of fear, but embraces the world through the light and love of Christ. I believe that the world can be transformed to the place where the government need not mandate morality, need not tell us how to live together in harmony, because we the people demand it of each other out of love and respect. We the people can learn to function together in love. I truly believe that where there is light, there is no darkness, and where there is love, there can be no hate. The best way to face our fears is to embrace them in love. For it is what we refuse to embrace, what we do not understand, that we find easy to fear, that we find so easy to hate.

Wanting to be known

Lately I've been thinking that I want to be known. I mean, sure, I have people in my life that I feel very close to, people that know me. My wife knows me, I think she understands what makes me tick, she notices the little things that I like, things that drive me crazy, things that more or less define who I am. God knows me. I believe that my family knows me, my brother in particular. I have some friends that know me. But who am I really. Am I really the person that all of these people know, or am I someone else entirely? Where do expectations and preconceptions end and I begin? Maybe I'm just having a meloncholic day, but I suppose what I'm getting as is that I often don't feel that I really know myself. And maybe that's why I feel like people don't know me. Feeling like you are truly understood, like someone truly "gets" you, is like no other feeling in the world. And I do feel that from others, my wife, my brother, one or two close friends. But I'm not sure I really feel that from myself. There are fleeting moments when I feel very confident and happy with who I am, I get this picture in my head of the reasons why I like myself and I build up a desire and plan to capitalize on those strenghts. I get excited to hang out with a group of people so that I can practice being that person that I envision in my head. But then I leave our friend's house, I leave the party, I leave the church service, and I spend the night crying on my wife's shoulder because I am so far away from the person I want to be. I suppose everyone deals with this in one way or another, we all have the tendency to wish we were someone else. But it's not even so much that I want to be someone else, it's that I feel so much different from who I envision myself to be, and I often don't really know what that means. I guess that's partly why I decided to start this blog. I fought this for a long time, not liking the idea of placing my thoughts, placing myself, in this nebulous space for anyone to see. But my wife and my good buddy the Ghost both convinced me to go for it (thanks guys). If nothing else, I think this will be a good outlet, a chance for me to get some thoughts "published", a chance for me to get to know myself, and to maybe feel known by the few people who may happen to visit this site. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm taking a chance to see what comes. I don't want to adopt the mentality that I have anything brilliant to offer to anyone, but perhaps my questions, my ups and downs, my journey to know myself, will help someone else to feel a little more understood. And maybe I'll get the chance to know myself a little better. Maybe I'll get the chance to feel known.