Monday, July 03, 2006

Wanting to be known


Lately I've been thinking that I want to be known. I mean, sure, I have people in my life that I feel very close to, people that know me. My wife knows me, I think she understands what makes me tick, she notices the little things that I like, things that drive me crazy, things that more or less define who I am. God knows me. I believe that my family knows me, my brother in particular. I have some friends that know me. But who am I really. Am I really the person that all of these people know, or am I someone else entirely? Where do expectations and preconceptions end and I begin? Maybe I'm just having a meloncholic day, but I suppose what I'm getting as is that I often don't feel that I really know myself. And maybe that's why I feel like people don't know me. Feeling like you are truly understood, like someone truly "gets" you, is like no other feeling in the world. And I do feel that from others, my wife, my brother, one or two close friends. But I'm not sure I really feel that from myself. There are fleeting moments when I feel very confident and happy with who I am, I get this picture in my head of the reasons why I like myself and I build up a desire and plan to capitalize on those strenghts. I get excited to hang out with a group of people so that I can practice being that person that I envision in my head. But then I leave our friend's house, I leave the party, I leave the church service, and I spend the night crying on my wife's shoulder because I am so far away from the person I want to be. I suppose everyone deals with this in one way or another, we all have the tendency to wish we were someone else. But it's not even so much that I want to be someone else, it's that I feel so much different from who I envision myself to be, and I often don't really know what that means. I guess that's partly why I decided to start this blog. I fought this for a long time, not liking the idea of placing my thoughts, placing myself, in this nebulous space for anyone to see. But my wife and my good buddy the Ghost both convinced me to go for it (thanks guys). If nothing else, I think this will be a good outlet, a chance for me to get some thoughts "published", a chance for me to get to know myself, and to maybe feel known by the few people who may happen to visit this site. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm taking a chance to see what comes. I don't want to adopt the mentality that I have anything brilliant to offer to anyone, but perhaps my questions, my ups and downs, my journey to know myself, will help someone else to feel a little more understood. And maybe I'll get the chance to know myself a little better. Maybe I'll get the chance to feel known.

7 comments:

SaidStrumpet said...

Consider your blog cherry officially shattered.

I'm always fascinated by people's perceptions of themselves verses public opinion. Everyday I watch you run around this office like a decapitated chicken (albeit and organized one) and two things stand out to me. One is your total comitment to the moment. Whatever it is you focus on you focus on it completely, which is usually a pretty good thing. The second thing is the delight you take in the seemingly ordinary. It's refreshing.

I say this not because I pretend to know you well but because regardless who you want to be it's very important not to forget who you already are. You're doing fine Mighty Mouse. :)

Anonymous said...

What a blessing when those who know you best love you the most. We love you.

mom and dad

Tara said...

An excellent start, sir. At first, honestly, I was just impressed that you started and finished a book during the summer. It's one of those things that I always set my mind to doing, make a list, and then forget about it; therefore, congratulations on being the person that I see myself being. This gives hope to all of those who make a sketch of who they want to be and then forget about it. Thanks, Colter.

Ken Hayes said...

Colter,
This is Kenny,I think that it is incredible that you are willing to get your thoughts out for everyone to see and it takes a real man to realize that he is imperfect and to feel this way. its not only being sensitive to your own feelings but sensitive to what God is doing in your life right now. good on you bro, and your awsome. heres a real side to me that I havnt really explained to you. I have always found myself asking questions if I am who I really am, and, and the truth is, is that I am not the man I claim to be, or am I?, Even after all that I have been through. and I always struggle with my own identity. It gets so frustrating and hopeless at times doesnt it. bro I am right there with you and share your pains, joys. I really just want to be real and when I think that I am at that point, I am torn by the thoughts that say that I am just a fake. I have these visions also of what the man I want to be is, man its a struggle. All that to say that I enjoyed reading your blog man. Take care and I will see ya soon hopefully bro.

Ken Hayes

Patrick said...

Dude!

This is Patrick. Hey man you are a great person, you are real, you are honest, and you are a child of the living God. One of the answers to the identity question is who does God say that you are? I know that it is a question, but you know the answer. You have always known the answer. I really believe that you have a purpose and you know what that purpose is, live it... I really appreciate you as a person and I really enjoy spending time with you, and although you may think that you are putting on a show, or trying to be someone you are not, I see the real you, I see the struggling to connect at the Stirring, the wanting to control certain situations that you can't control. Guess what, it is ok. Dude, I haven't read all of you entries, but I will. I hope that you continue to call me up and we continue to hang, even when you are in Sacremento. Keep being real, keep being honest, you don't offend me, you probably can't offend me, we are all a mess and I love being around people that understand that. God Bless you man, I love you...

mello~ said...

I follow you. I've even been writing down, posting (mellonation.blogspot.com) and talking more that I might see myself and be known. I do seem to forget though, what I said, posted or wrote and then the light bulb above my head dims... thank you for your thoughts.

theLains said...

sweet braclet in that pic...who got you such a marvelous item?