Monday, July 03, 2006
Wanting to be known
Lately I've been thinking that I want to be known. I mean, sure, I have people in my life that I feel very close to, people that know me. My wife knows me, I think she understands what makes me tick, she notices the little things that I like, things that drive me crazy, things that more or less define who I am. God knows me. I believe that my family knows me, my brother in particular. I have some friends that know me. But who am I really. Am I really the person that all of these people know, or am I someone else entirely? Where do expectations and preconceptions end and I begin? Maybe I'm just having a meloncholic day, but I suppose what I'm getting as is that I often don't feel that I really know myself. And maybe that's why I feel like people don't know me. Feeling like you are truly understood, like someone truly "gets" you, is like no other feeling in the world. And I do feel that from others, my wife, my brother, one or two close friends. But I'm not sure I really feel that from myself. There are fleeting moments when I feel very confident and happy with who I am, I get this picture in my head of the reasons why I like myself and I build up a desire and plan to capitalize on those strenghts. I get excited to hang out with a group of people so that I can practice being that person that I envision in my head. But then I leave our friend's house, I leave the party, I leave the church service, and I spend the night crying on my wife's shoulder because I am so far away from the person I want to be. I suppose everyone deals with this in one way or another, we all have the tendency to wish we were someone else. But it's not even so much that I want to be someone else, it's that I feel so much different from who I envision myself to be, and I often don't really know what that means. I guess that's partly why I decided to start this blog. I fought this for a long time, not liking the idea of placing my thoughts, placing myself, in this nebulous space for anyone to see. But my wife and my good buddy the Ghost both convinced me to go for it (thanks guys). If nothing else, I think this will be a good outlet, a chance for me to get some thoughts "published", a chance for me to get to know myself, and to maybe feel known by the few people who may happen to visit this site. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm taking a chance to see what comes. I don't want to adopt the mentality that I have anything brilliant to offer to anyone, but perhaps my questions, my ups and downs, my journey to know myself, will help someone else to feel a little more understood. And maybe I'll get the chance to know myself a little better. Maybe I'll get the chance to feel known.